A Big Disappointment...

"You never truly know someone until they break your heart without even realizing it"

- Heaven Fedoriuk

This quote hit me very deep. I attend a soccer drop in team every Tuesday and Thursday from 9:00pm - 10:30pm, even though I was only 15 (you had to be 18 to play) I go with my dad. Normally I run around on the track above the field in our local recreation centre, but on the odd occasion I'll actually get to play soccer with everyone. The people who come to play are around 25-45+ years of age, a few are younger. I know them and they know me, I've had a conversation or two with only a few of them, they've become friends with my dad.

Anyway, the main point of this, I guess you could say short story, focuses on one young man. I'm not sure how old he is exactly, but he's for sure older than 18 but no older than 23. His name is Graden, which personally I think is a beautiful name, just the way it sounds makes me smile, he's very tall yet I can't be sure exactly how tall. His hair is very different but has become more popular, he sounds very sophisticated and over all a god given gift. To me I felt he was perfect in every way... sadly it is true when they say not everyone is perfect.

He never talked with anyone, nor really interacted socially with the other players on the team, but he showed up, played, and went home. Which is fine, he was there for a purpose and when he got done what he set out to do he returned home, simple.

Well, sometime in December, 2015, I pumped into him at my mothers best friends wedding. I was there for the bride, he the groom. I knew I recognized him, but wasn't sure from where, so I asked if he played soccer where I did, he said yes, and that was it. We didn't talk at all throughout the night, nor did he dance, or really talk to anyone outside his family. But at the time I wasn't really concerned with that information.

The following Tuesday after the wedding we both attended soccer, since I couldn't play I waited for my dad to be finished. Again since its only drop-in its unorganized, lots of people can show up and they'll just sub on and off all night, and you can leave whenever you want. So I stand at the side lines waiting and all of a sudden Graden had come off the field (10:00pm as always) but instead of going straight home he said Hello and waited with me for my father. Of course my heart was racing because why in the world would he be talking to me?

But it was really nice, we talked about the wedding for a little bit, and then we moved on to different subjects, trying to get to know one another. Of course when he asked why I wasn't playing soccer I explained it was because I was only 15. He never did tell me how old he was exactly and at the time we didn't know each others names. So every time I went to soccer and he was there, he would wait with me. Unless his girlfriend had tagged along.

And that's another thing... He did have a girlfriend, so I knew for sure he wasn't interested in me at all, of course she never spoke to me, I don't even think she liked me. I did try being nice and saying Hello to her once, but she wasn't interested. So it wasn't until the third week around we actually introduced ourselves. So that would be September, October, and half way through November that we had become well acquainted, I'd love to say even friends.

My dad really liked him, as did I at this point, but knowing he did have a girlfriend, I tried not to make it too obvious, and besides he was older... so my distance was in fact kept. So now both my father and I believe he really is a nice guy, smart guy, charming, everything I ever thought I wanted in a guy. He was perfect. I would have worshiped the ground he walked on, enjoyed every moment spent with him. But I would never get the chance.

He disappeared for what I counted to be at least 3 weeks. I figured holidays because it was in Late November to early December, but still I was a little heart broken, I always did look forward to talking with him. And when he finally did come back, he wasn't the same. He didn't have that same vibe or positive energy anymore, and he stopped talking to me. I tried saying Hi but pathetic as it was, I got no reply. So I gave up, I wasn't going to let this get to my head and stop me from my focus on my own life. But of course being hormonal as a teenage girl at the time, it of course got to me eventually.

Now there is a certain type of person who really pisses me off. And that is a stupid one, and I don't mean stupid at an IQ level or how much of a smarty pants you are, no I mean common sense stupid, those who lack it. Yes, those stupid people make me very angry. And no matter what I always get a sudden feel to throw things, scream, or punch someone in the face, when I'm around this type of stupid person.

When it came to Graden I felt myself feeling this way, I didn't want to believe he was that type of person because I believed he was absolutely Perfect, so I told myself I was only getting upset at my Paranoia to the fact that he was talking to me anymore. Which made perfect sense, I felt calmer after coming to this conclusion but still upset. That night my dad sat me down and told me

"Event the nicest seeming guys are never perfect..."

I looked at him with such confusion until he explained what had happened to make him say this, and that is what broke my heart.

He said...

"We were running after the ball and he started getting really aggressive with people [Which he doesn't normaly do] so I commented and he said to me that he had just done some drugs and was playing super high"

I wanted to laugh out of disbelief, Now I have a no drug tolerance, I won't do it, and I won't associate with people who do it because I think it's the stupidest thing you can do for fun. and the fact that he was driving to and from the game was just awful.

So he has no idea he's made me feel this way, and he never will. But now I feel stupid because I thought I knew him better than this, but like the quote says.

"you never truly know someone until they break your heart without even realizing it"

and it is true, he won't ever know. He won't ever care, but it just hurts because now I am sitting here heartbroken 'cause I don't know if I can ever trust my judgement again. How do you know you can find the perfect guy, when they always seem to screw up in the worst way?

And of all the things, it had to be drugs, I was brokenhearted because why couldn't it have been something different, like a weird fetish, or the way he said something. Something annoying over something Illegal. My dad had put it perfectly, every time I brought it up he would always say

"Now you know what you want, now you've seen that it does exist, now just know that there's always something better waiting for you."

And that is the quote that will stick with me over any broken heart!