I tried my best!

Make up your freaking mind. You tell me to do this then get mad at me for doing that, therefore I do my own thing and I get in crap for that too! Makes me mad how I can't be my own person without you trying to program me. Now EVERYTIME I do something 'wrong' I feel way worse than I should. If I say the wrong thing and someone just corrects me (and they're polite about it) I feel like cutting out my own tongue because I messed up. That's what you've done to me! And I can't change, I try not to let it bother me so much but it does. I used to be a happy people person, now I would just rather be alone, went from very social to anti-social in a heart beat because you won't let me act or say what I want to say. I'm not saying I'm going to rebel and be an outcast or anything like that, no I'm saying I'd rather learn it my way, so that I understand. Not your way where I'm beating myself up afterwords. This is why twice a year I would like to go on my weekend get away for 4 days. Just to cool down, come home, and try again. But I'm not allowed to do that anymore!!!


Everyone says I'm so happy, one of the nicest people they've ever met. Wondering how someone could be so positive, well I'll let you in on a secret. IM Dying on the inside, begging to rage and scream, just unload, but I can't, so I play the part everyone wants me to play. So far I'm doing a good job but I don't know how long I can pretend anymore. I mean first I have to figure out specifics of why I'm upset, why I feel the way I do, but I don't know how I feel.
I don't know why I'm upset, I mean you've told me over and over again why I'm feeling down, why I don't want to be happy anymore, but then I get upset and beat myself up once again for not knowing that. Hopefully I'll move out of this phase.
A phase, that's what I called it almost a year ago. How long are phases supposed to last? I know this one has long over due it's stay.
I'll figure it out somehow, until then I'll continue my role in life, not knowing how to be myself without you there beside me coaching me on how to be the perfect human being.
I used to think that what I achieved was good, I was proud of myself. I honestly can't remember the last time I was actually proud of myself once you figured I can always do better.
When I was in school, I got the Honour Role... And I was really happy about it, I felt I achieved something. But once you found out Honours with Distinction was much better, a level higher, you could say what I had wasn't good enough anymore, Honours was no longer good enough. I was no longer proud and happy with Honours. I could only do better.


When it came to my art, I always accepted criticism, so I could improve and become better. But what you gave me wasn't criticism, it was mean. You only said I could do better, that I wasn't good enough. Instead of telling me where I could improve you made it seem like I had done something wrong, and that I was in trouble for it. That doesn't help me get better, it makes me feel like I'll never do my best!


Please don't get me wrong. I love as appreciate you but, I'm scared to tell you anything, I'm scared of my own emotions, the way I feel. Because I know you'll get mad at me for it. I can't even finish what I'm trying to say or get to my Main point in this paragraph, because I'm scared that if I admit to myself what's wrong you'll be furious with me and tell me how terrible I am.... But I tried my best.